i am not putting myself through this all over again for some guy who doesn't even want to be in a ldr with me for three fucking months.

i can't.

he says that he loves me.
he says that he wants to be with me come september.
he says that he isn't looking to get with anyone else this summer.

now, is that enough?
fuck.
i feel horrible.
i do not want to put myself through all this pain all over again.

my brain tells me it is enough.
my heart tells me it's not.

usually i go with my heart, not that i really have any choice :P

ok now i'm just debating whether to tell him or not
or just to let it go
because we're not really in a relationship right now anyway
so is there really a point?

i think i have to choose between one or the other
i can't stay in limbo
it hurts too much.

Day 1: Frustration

I guess I need to figure out what I want.

How would I feel if by the end of it all, I found out that he had slept with someone else? Different. Towards him, towards myself. I don't want it to happen, but he's not as committed to me as I'd like him to be. I get that we've only been together for four months, but..

I didn't understand how much I loved him until yesterday. This is ridiculous. I can't go back to him knowing he slept with someone else unless we fully break up. And even then, I don't know how good I'd feel about it.

I don't think I can go through with this. I need commitment. Jealousy is roaring its ugly ugly head.

Hey Francois,

Don't come. It's okay. I'll be okay. I'm in a very unstable place right now and I'm lacking all the confidence in the world. I feel like you're losing interest in me. That's okay. I understand. I may cry a little, or a lot, but it doesn't matter. These tears will go away.

I'll miss you a lot, you know that. I want to see you more often before I go. I don't know if you feel the same way. I get that you're busy. I don't want to intrude on your time alone. I feel like I'm suffocating you. It's what I'm scared of the most. I don't want to do that to someone I love, to push them away. To smother them. I feel guilty as hell. I don't know when I'm doing it and when I'm not.

I really don't know if you even want to see me again. I don't want to ask you because I'll sound like this. Self-deprecating, sad, no confidence in myself. I don't want to appear that way to you. I want to be smart and sexy and awesome, especially when we don't have a lot of time left together.

But I can't really stop these tears. Nor these insecurities. I feel like I shouldn't be worth caring about sometimes. I don't know why I think like this. I'm not usually like this unless I get into a relationship. It's hard to be confident sometimes.

No really, I'll be okay. Don't come. It might be easier like that. You can live up to my disappointments.

Will there really ever be a guy who makes me #1? I wonder.

Man. Leaving this relationship will be hard. I've gotten so freaking attached. Not as hard as leaving Mazen though, but still. I'm going to be looking back on this relationship as one of the best I've ever had for years to come. It's really kind of fairy-tail perfect. I'm sure I'll fall in love again, but damn it's hard to look at the bright side. I only have three more weeks with him. It's hard not to cry.

I'm going to try to enjoy the time we have left as best I can. But I can't guarantee that i won't cry. Because I know I will.
Because i love him :)

the happy sigh is that i'm totally falling in love with him

the sad and worried sigh is for school

so

sigh.